I’ve been asked by Gamesfaction to say a few words about how I’m finding my time on Earth. Firstly, I’m surprised, and not a little impressed, that you’ve managed to develop a global communications system like this ‘Internet’. Frankly you seem like far too primitive a species to have come up with it all by yourself. I hope for your sake that you’ve not been collaborating with the New Order?

That aside, I’ve been using your Facebook and Twitter sites to create a record of my time here, which will hopefully be useful to our tech boys when I’m finally rescued. Still, it does confuse me that you have such an incredible resource at your fingertips – the collected knowledge of all your best minds through the ages – and you seem to use it mostly to tell each other what you’re having for lunch.

It wouldn’t take a lot to turn it into a resource you could be proud of: a few articles on instructables.com explaining how to turn household items into Tunneling Virus Beams or Lightning Gloves and you could soon be a force to be reckoned with.

I can hear you now though; “But Jack, we don’t have any enemies in the galaxy, we’ve only sent a few probes out here and there”. That’s all the more reason to get yourselves prepared now. It’s no use trying to build Isotope Hammers while the New Order are herding you into their Genetic Reassignment Centres; you try assembling ‘Release Valve J’ into ‘Isotope Containment Chamber H’ while your brains are being pummelled into a light broth and your body is ripped apart at a genetic level and reassembled as a mindless footsoldier in the New Order army. I’ll bet you’d have trouble.

I’m heading south this week, to try and find someone in charge of this planet. Maybe I can convince them of the need to be prepared. Less Perez Hilton, more Poisoned Spear Launchers.

Follow me on Facebook or Twitter to see how I get on.