If you’ve been following me on Facebook or Twitter, you’ll know that I’ve been posting a video every week, to help with my recruitment drive. Obviously, before I could do this, I had to learn how this “Youtube” site worked, so I spent a good few days exploring it and learning its intricacies.

To be honest, I was horrified by what I found.

Back on my homeworld, we also had what we called “developmentally challenged” individuals, but we tried our best to help them make the most of their lives via education and treatment; we didn’t plop them in front of a keyboard and say “why don’t you write some comments on these videos? I’m sure everyone will be really interested in what you have to say”.

I can only assume that this is being done for the amusement of the rest of you. Do you scan the comments section as if it’s some kind of idiot zoo, laughing and pointing at the poor fools who think that “Coldplay sux cox rofl” or that “Hermoine souds somewhat manly dont ya think”? Shame on you.

Or have I got the wrong impression? Is this all part of a clever ruse to protect your planet from alien invasion? As I think about it, I’m more and more convinced that this must be the case. You know that all of your electronic media is accessible from afar by any sufficiently advanced race, so you clog up the channels with witless tripe that appears to have been written by a particularly slow amoeba, knowing that any malevolent aliens will read it, conclude that you’re all a bunch of dribbling imbeciles and therefore not worth invading. Yes, that must be the case. Well played, Earth. Well played.

Still, if you’d really thought it through, you’d broadcast the “stupid” version of Youtube out into space and keep a “clever” version for yourselves to use. Imagine it, every comment properly punctuated and actually using entire words; none of the allergy to vowels that seems to be in place at the moment. You could have proper discussions about the videos in question, without every third comment being an entreaty to copy and paste something to make sure that “u will gt kissd on the nearest frieday by the love of ur life”.

It would truly be a paradise.